Just a couple of dudes...: DMC - Dick Missile Chili

There are two things any self-respecting man should be able to do:
1. Change his oil.
2. Cook chili.

Luckily, they are both pretty straight-forward and it takes some real "talent" to screw them up... but you might be surprised at what I've seen. The thing about chili is that everyone has their own recipe and methods, which they all swear to be the dickest missile in the shed. There are also so many variations on chili in general. Some people prefer a chunky, hearty chili... some like it fine and thin... some want it really spicy, etc, etc. I'm not here to tell you how to make your chili, I'm here to tell you how I make MY CHILI.

Disclaimer - I am not a culinary professional. And like most people, I watch the Food Network and therefore, through some form of twisted logic, I think I know how to cook. Wrong. That being said, I will probably mislead and misuse... but never misspell.

My chili. I've been dabbling in the alchemy of chili for close to 7 years now. I'll be the first to admit that I've made some pretty horrible batches along the way. Part of the problem was that I liked to experiment with different ingredients and seasonings, instead of just working on consistency. I never really wrote down any recipe either. I'll also admit that I've put some really weird shit in my chili. I used to throw in an array of peppers, the whole gamut of canned tomato products, various types of beans and then some wacky stuff like peanut butter and hot chocolate mix. In fact, I used to kind of pride myself on finding strange things to throw into the bubbling pot. I'll just go ahead and get my own neck for that. Fortunately, some wisdom has come with age and I've cut out the bullshit and stuck with the basics. In the process, I've developed a pretty fail-safe recipe.

Oh, another thing - I typically don't make chili unless it's below 50 degrees outside or unless there is a football game on TV. It just doesn't seem right.

Here are the ingredients:

3 lbs ground beef (approx) - 80% lean is preferable

2 large white onions (I like a lot of onions and they cook down to practically nothing)

1 fresh jalapeno pepper

1 can of crushed tomatoes

1 can of Rotel with green chilies

1 can of black beans (if you really like beans, add more)

1 can of beer (I typically use Natty Boh - because it's delicious. Use something you would actually like to drink.)

1 bottle of whiskey (See above)

Salt

Pepper

Cayenne Pepper

Cumin

Paprika

Sugar (preferably brown, doesn't really matter)

Cinnamon

Milk Chocolate Chips

1 Big Ass Pot

First, I start by dicing the onions. I pour some vegetable oil in the pot and get the onions cooking on medium/high heat with a little bit of salt and black pepper. I let them cook until they start to brown. Next, throw in the finely chopped jalapeno, minus the peppercorns - unless you want it really spicy. Once the peppers have had a chance to cook down a bit, pour in some whiskey and beer just to de-glaze the pot. If you need to clear your sinuses, just keep your head over the pot.

Now it's time to add the beef. Dump it in and start mashing it around and mixing it with the onions. This is where I start to season everything. Cumin is the main player at this stage in the game. I don't know how much I use, but it's a good amount. Add the cayenne, black pepper, paprika and salt. To top it off, I'll add a shake of cinnamon - a little goes a long way, trust me. I tend to rely on my nose here... if it smells good, it probably tastes good too.

Once the meat has thoroughly cooked, reduce the heat back to medium and let everything simmer. I'm not sure if this is exactly correct from a culinary standpoint, but I feel like you need to allow some time for the fat in the meat to melt down and mingle with everything. So it's very important that you don't cook all of the juices out of the meat. Just get it to the point that it's bubbling up nicely.

The tomatoes and beans are the last to arrive at the party. Dump it all in. Now we need to season again. More cumin... more everything. I also add a fair amount of sugar to help neutralize that acid in the tomatoes. Oh yeah, pour the rest of the beer in. Once everything is bubbling again, I'll throw in a handful of chocolate chips and let those melt their way into the mix. In the past, I have made the chili WAY too salty, so I'm very cautious with that now. You can always add more, but it's really hard to dilute the whole batch if it's too salinous. I don't like to add salt until the chili has had a chance to cook on medium heat for awhile. Ideally, it should cook for at least and hour, stirring the pot every 10 minutes. You'll know it's ready to be stirred when it separates and the chili is all "liquidy" on the top. Give it a good, deep stir and mix everything up. Try to scrape all the stuff off the bottom so it doesn't burn. I like to taste test after each stir. If something is lacking, I'll just add a little more of it. Don't burn your mouth when you're sampling because you'll be FITG for enjoying the finished product.

Once you're done, turn the stove down to low heat and let it sit for 15 minutes or so. You'll find that it really starts to thicken up into a beautiful, sloppy mess. It's up to you how you eat it. Sometimes I'll eat the chili over macaroni, sometimes over rice or sometimes over crushed up tortilla chips. Frito pies are always baller.

So, now you know... and knowing is half the battle.

Photos